writing to roland again
Jul. 21st, 2020 11:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
x_massDo you think its a bit of clue that your having so much trouble writing to men. That the state of your mind has changed and what men think of you now matters more.
Remember when you were looking at that those PU leather jeans, how sexy the women looked but you were conscious of the mental swap that was going on, were you feeling turned on by looking at her desiring her, objectifying her or were you wanting to be her, to have a body like that, to feel that sexy, to have a man find you sexy, to have a man want to posses you, to be penetrated by him, for him to dominate and control you, for you to be let go and submit to his power over you.
Listening to other women talking about giving in, of letting go of the fantasy of being in control in their lives. Of allowing men to talk control, to take the lead, to ask even beg men to take control of us, so we can serve them, sacrifice ourselves for them and our children, and in the process teach our daughters to do the same as we have done, as we were taught ourselves.
The only real difference here is that I'm not 13 myself and listening to other girls talking about their feelings about the complexities of our bodies changing, the expectations being placed on us, the feeling we are now having, desires. I feel like I should be reading through what other girls have said in the past, to see if it relates to what is happening to me.
On other levels my sexuality is all over the place, I have no idea if what I am fantasizing about is what I want in reality. Am I seeing my lesbianism slip away as I become more bisexual and move towards heterosexual, or is the reality is far more complex that emotional desires are very different from my sexual desires.
On the one hand it looks like I want to dominated and be submissive to men, but not in a BDSM space or at least not yet. This is very much pure DS leading to the need/desire to be bound, to be forced to give up control of myself emotionally through his physical control of me. The forerunner to that is rough sex wanting to be grabbed and pulled around to be forced to submit to him.
The more extreme version of that is be a sex object, my legs spread and tied to a wall so that only my postop cunt is open for any random man (or woman) to stick their penis or fingers into, to have a glory hole over my face and be forced to suck cock and balls. Of video's where men talk about us cum-catchers that all were good for is eat their cum, to be sex-slaves.
To finally the idea of actual slavery. Built out of the church's teachings about how we as women must submit ourselves to men as men do to god. Leading to the idea that men should be like a god to us, and that we can only be in the correct relationship to men through our slavery and that we must teach our daughters to be like us, to accept like us, our slavery whilst teaching men to own us.
And btw if anyone is reading this other than me, that is all garbage!!! I'm exploring the ideas that are coming up, in reality if you tried to apply it to me I would make you suffer it as well - if you had a cunt, and if you are male, thenyou wont be for long, I will find you, give you a sex change and you can experience it too and don't think I am joking, good SRS is hard, basic penile inversion really isn't!
Whilst on the other end, I am thinking about being in a room with a bunch of dicks in glory holes. Of watching other women suck men off, as we get to play with their penises, of supporting each other to enjoy ourselves, as we impale ourselves on their penises to have them pushing into our vagina's, anuses, mouths, eating their cum etc. Of the idea that I am slut, like the sluts around me, but that's OK.
And then it shades into other areas which may have more practical value in real life, I am feeling attraction to certain types of make bodies i.e. ones that I admire and want to have myself or rather the female version of them i.e. having higher percentage body fat sufficient for me to have a menstrual cycle, of a layer of fat over strong muscles. And being aware that I will also likely to be attracted to men who are successful in life who are alpha male and I would want to be alpha female to them. I want to be successful in business, to be strong and independent, for them to want to be with me because even if not now them they can see I will be that in the future. Part of that is about learning how to integrate into polite society, the communities that use dragon and cheltenham as stepping stones to university the city and a good marriage. To level up through learning etiquette both social and in business. It's a set of skills that I should have been taught as a girl.
Beyond that is a self awareness of how much of a series of bad breaks have steered me away from a life that I could have followed pushing me towards a normal heterosexual life, one where my body would have the faults corrected 30 years ago and I had largely forgotten that I had ever been anything other than a little girl. I am re-evaluating my relationships with the boys and girls I was with at Dartington.
I am very aware of needing to talk to Kate about how we were at Dragon. How different things could have been for the both of us if we knew of each other. I am aware of having complex feelings around some of the boys, not desiring them but desperate to be one pf the girls. It also begs the question were their other girls in our year.
What if the natal girl in lower one class room was actually with another trans girl, and when I asked about her still wearing a skirt she asked why and I said I wear them to and she said is that because you want to be a girl and when I couldn't speak, she said don't worry so do I. And she turns to the other girl, and says see I thought so, their are at least 3 of us besides you in this year. How would it have been to go to school from 9 years with the older girls becoming aware of our existence and of may be one or two older trans girls. Being accepted as girls by the other girls around us, possibly even finding adults who understood and help us grow. I suspect that their might have been a private parallel medical support for young trans kids.
Fiction book idea!!!
Its certainly a fiction that I would like to write. I suspect that it could be very successful especially if we used children's books such as diane's young wizards books & boy who lived as a fork into a laundry series type world possibly with a bit of world jumping using the patterns in the trade books. Using the idea that trans people are neurological diverse and thus more likely to be wizards.
Remember when you were looking at that those PU leather jeans, how sexy the women looked but you were conscious of the mental swap that was going on, were you feeling turned on by looking at her desiring her, objectifying her or were you wanting to be her, to have a body like that, to feel that sexy, to have a man find you sexy, to have a man want to posses you, to be penetrated by him, for him to dominate and control you, for you to be let go and submit to his power over you.
Listening to other women talking about giving in, of letting go of the fantasy of being in control in their lives. Of allowing men to talk control, to take the lead, to ask even beg men to take control of us, so we can serve them, sacrifice ourselves for them and our children, and in the process teach our daughters to do the same as we have done, as we were taught ourselves.
The only real difference here is that I'm not 13 myself and listening to other girls talking about their feelings about the complexities of our bodies changing, the expectations being placed on us, the feeling we are now having, desires. I feel like I should be reading through what other girls have said in the past, to see if it relates to what is happening to me.
On other levels my sexuality is all over the place, I have no idea if what I am fantasizing about is what I want in reality. Am I seeing my lesbianism slip away as I become more bisexual and move towards heterosexual, or is the reality is far more complex that emotional desires are very different from my sexual desires.
On the one hand it looks like I want to dominated and be submissive to men, but not in a BDSM space or at least not yet. This is very much pure DS leading to the need/desire to be bound, to be forced to give up control of myself emotionally through his physical control of me. The forerunner to that is rough sex wanting to be grabbed and pulled around to be forced to submit to him.
The more extreme version of that is be a sex object, my legs spread and tied to a wall so that only my postop cunt is open for any random man (or woman) to stick their penis or fingers into, to have a glory hole over my face and be forced to suck cock and balls. Of video's where men talk about us cum-catchers that all were good for is eat their cum, to be sex-slaves.
To finally the idea of actual slavery. Built out of the church's teachings about how we as women must submit ourselves to men as men do to god. Leading to the idea that men should be like a god to us, and that we can only be in the correct relationship to men through our slavery and that we must teach our daughters to be like us, to accept like us, our slavery whilst teaching men to own us.
And btw if anyone is reading this other than me, that is all garbage!!! I'm exploring the ideas that are coming up, in reality if you tried to apply it to me I would make you suffer it as well - if you had a cunt, and if you are male, thenyou wont be for long, I will find you, give you a sex change and you can experience it too and don't think I am joking, good SRS is hard, basic penile inversion really isn't!
Whilst on the other end, I am thinking about being in a room with a bunch of dicks in glory holes. Of watching other women suck men off, as we get to play with their penises, of supporting each other to enjoy ourselves, as we impale ourselves on their penises to have them pushing into our vagina's, anuses, mouths, eating their cum etc. Of the idea that I am slut, like the sluts around me, but that's OK.
And then it shades into other areas which may have more practical value in real life, I am feeling attraction to certain types of make bodies i.e. ones that I admire and want to have myself or rather the female version of them i.e. having higher percentage body fat sufficient for me to have a menstrual cycle, of a layer of fat over strong muscles. And being aware that I will also likely to be attracted to men who are successful in life who are alpha male and I would want to be alpha female to them. I want to be successful in business, to be strong and independent, for them to want to be with me because even if not now them they can see I will be that in the future. Part of that is about learning how to integrate into polite society, the communities that use dragon and cheltenham as stepping stones to university the city and a good marriage. To level up through learning etiquette both social and in business. It's a set of skills that I should have been taught as a girl.
Beyond that is a self awareness of how much of a series of bad breaks have steered me away from a life that I could have followed pushing me towards a normal heterosexual life, one where my body would have the faults corrected 30 years ago and I had largely forgotten that I had ever been anything other than a little girl. I am re-evaluating my relationships with the boys and girls I was with at Dartington.
I am very aware of needing to talk to Kate about how we were at Dragon. How different things could have been for the both of us if we knew of each other. I am aware of having complex feelings around some of the boys, not desiring them but desperate to be one pf the girls. It also begs the question were their other girls in our year.
What if the natal girl in lower one class room was actually with another trans girl, and when I asked about her still wearing a skirt she asked why and I said I wear them to and she said is that because you want to be a girl and when I couldn't speak, she said don't worry so do I. And she turns to the other girl, and says see I thought so, their are at least 3 of us besides you in this year. How would it have been to go to school from 9 years with the older girls becoming aware of our existence and of may be one or two older trans girls. Being accepted as girls by the other girls around us, possibly even finding adults who understood and help us grow. I suspect that their might have been a private parallel medical support for young trans kids.
Fiction book idea!!!
Its certainly a fiction that I would like to write. I suspect that it could be very successful especially if we used children's books such as diane's young wizards books & boy who lived as a fork into a laundry series type world possibly with a bit of world jumping using the patterns in the trade books. Using the idea that trans people are neurological diverse and thus more likely to be wizards.
